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Miss Agnes McHolstein December 14, 2000 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein December 15, 2000 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein December 16, 2000 Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein December 17, 2000 Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic. Affectionately,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein December 18, 2000 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein December 19, 2000 Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein December 20, 2000 John: What's with you and all those birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the birds. Sincerely,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein December 21, 2000 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein December 22, 1998 Hey! Loser, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein December 23, 2000 You Fool, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those flirts ladies. They've been chasing those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
Miss Agnes McHolstein December 24, 2000 Listen! You Idiot, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in chaos. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Law Offices December 25, 2000 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest. Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
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