This guy has this crush on this girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. It just happens. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes. He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. Knocks on her door. She answers the door in a sheer teddy, and he kicks her in the face.



An old man was sitting on a bench at the shopping mall when a young kid with spiked hair sauntered over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, purple and orange, and he had heavy black make-up around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. Finally the boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied, "Well, yes...actually I have. I once got totally smashed and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."



IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.


IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.


IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."


Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."



"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"
"Honey! Let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"



Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie!"



A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on here?' he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy!, Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You IDIOT!!!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids?!"



There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it,but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the woman said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The woman had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace, she called him over by her."Now I am the boss", she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?"
"Well. . . yes", he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said. He did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked.
"Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said, "And don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"



A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"



A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."



Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Teacher fainted.



Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"



There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
(I don't know how they got there -- it's a joke OK?)
Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others. All of the blondes started clapping.



A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."



A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex? The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring.......You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."



An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch.



Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little-but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "first he says to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews ... we stay right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe. "He takes out his lunch so I took out mine"



A bus-driver is driving his bus along his regular route. There is nobody else on the bus except a nun. After driving a while, the nun tells the driver that she would like to have sex before she dies. She also says that she has to have it anal or else she would lose her virginity officially. Hearing this, the driver parks the bus, and the two of them walk to the back of the bus, and have anal sex. Afterwards, the bus driver says to the nun, "Sister; have a confession to make, I’m married." Then the nun says to the driver, "I have a confession to make too. My name is George, and I’m going to a costume party."



A ventriloquist is wandering through the woods one day when he decides that he is going to need a place to stay for the night. He comes out into a clearing and sees a farm. He goes up to the farmer and asks if he could stay the night. The farmer agrees, and takes the man for a tour of his farm. The ventriloquist decides to have some fun with farmer. So when they pass the chickens, the man claims to hear them talking. "Listen," he says, "these chickens can talk!" "Wow! what are they saying?" asks the farmer. The ventriloquist throws his voice to fool the farmer into thinking the chickens are all complaining about the conditions and the farmer himself. When they pass the cows, the ventriloquist tricks the farmer again. When they pass the sheep, the ventriloquist says "Wow! the sheep are talkin' too!" Immediately the farmer yells out, "The sheep lie! The sheep lie!"



A girl is walking home from school one day when she meets three boys standing by a telephone pole. The boys say they will each pay her $10 to climb the pole. So the girl climbs the pole, collects her $30, and tells her mother when she gets home, "Mommy, Mommy! Three boys just paid me $30 just to climb a telephone pole"' "Honey," her mother said "don't do that, they'll see your underwear." But the next day, she climbed again anyway, earning $20 from each boy! Again, she went home to her mother and told her how she climbed again. "Honey don't do that, they'll see your underwear." So on the third day, She goes back, and gets offered $30 from each boy. She accepts, climbs the telephone pole, and runs home to tell her mother. Her mother tells the girl again, "Don’t do that, they’ll.. " but the girl interupts and says "Don't worry Mom, the jokes on them this time, I didn't wear any underwear today!"



A husband and wife are walking through the woods when they come upon a cottage in a clearing. They ask the widow living there if they could stay there for the night. The widow agrees, and the couple go into the barn where they plan to stay. The widow calls the husband aside, and tells him either be hers for 20 minutes, or he and his wife can keep wandering. So the husband agrees, and grabs an ear of corn off the table as he follows the old widow. When they get into the bedroom, the man tells the old widow to close her eyes. When she does, the husband takes out the ear of corn, and does her with it. Then he tells the widow to close her eyes, as he throws the corn out the window. A short while later, the widow invites the couple to dinner, but the wife turns down her offer. "No," she says, "l already had some buttered corn earlier."



Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a warm cup of blood. So the bartender fetches a warm cup of blood. The second one orders a iced cup of blood. And the bartender gets him an iced cup of blood. The third vampire orders a hot cup of water. The bartender gets the hot water and asks the vampire, "You're a vampire, right?" "Yeah" says the vampire. "So why don't you want a cup of blood?" The vampire pulls out an old tampon, "Haven't you ever heard of a teabag?"



Three guys are walking through the woods when they see a farm house. They go up to see some of the animals, when suddenly the farmer comes running at them with a shotgun. After telling them they're trespassing on private property, he says, "I'll let you live on one condition. Go pick 100 fruits or veggies, and I'll explain the rest when your done with that. And don't try anything funny, my dogs have got their eyes on you." So the three all go out and pick their fill, and the first guy comes in with 100 apples to find out what to do next. The farmer says, "My wife is in the bedroom. You'll go in there and shove all 100 apples up her ass without laughing, if you value your life." The first guy goes in the bedroom, and starts shoving apples up the farmer's wife's ass. He gets to 59, laughs, and the farmer shoots him. The second guy comes in with 100 cherries, gets the same talk, and starts shoving. He gets to 99, cracks up laughing, and the farmer blows his head off. So the first two guys are sitting in heaven talking. The first guy says to the second, "Man, you were so close, what happened?" "Well I couldn’t help it," said the second guy, "I saw the other guy picking watermelons!"



Three friendly spies, an American, a Canadian, and a Polish spy, are trekking through the woods of Russia when they hear soldiers coming. The American whispers to the other two, "Quick hide in the bushes and make animal noises. The American spy jumps in the bushes and roars Like a tiger. The Canadian spy jumps in the bushes and makes bird calls. The Polish spy jumps in the bushes and yells, "Moooo!" So later, while they're all sitting in prison camp, an officer offers them each their choice of execution style. To be burnt at the stake, firing squad, or death by the AIDS virus. The American chooses firing squad, and is shot. The Canadian chooses to be burnt at the stake, and he is. The polish spy chooses to get the AIDS virus, so he is infected and set free. Years later, he returns to the camp, on friendly terms, and meets the man who's job it was to give the virus, and says "Ha ha! Jokes on you! I was wearing a condom!"



While getting her check-up, a woman says to her doctor, "Doc, my husband's been having some trouble in bed lately, he could do it if he wanted, but he's just lost interest. Is there anything you could do for him?" "Sure," he said, "give him one, and only one, of these each day, and he'll be fine." So she took the pills and ran out of the office with a renewed sense of hope. That evening at dinner she hid the pills in his mashed potatoes, and they made love for the first time in months. The next evening, she gave him two pills, and they made love twice that night. The next morning, she woke up and thought, "That doctor's a crock of shit. I gave him two pills and he's fine." So when her husband woke up, she gave him the pills telling him they were a new candy she got for him, and he downed the whole bottle. That afternoon, the doctor's sitting in his office when a young boy comes running in. "Doctor!" the boy yells, "I heard the whole story, we need an anecdote for those pills. My mom's in the hospital, my goldfish is dead, my ass is killing me, and when I left, my dad was behind the house looking for the cat!"



Three ants are wandering around a house when they see a woman sleeping naked in her bed. They all walk up on top of her, and the first ant says "Alright, let's split up, we'll find more that way. I'll go for the mountains." The second ant says I'll go for the forest." And the third ant says "I'll head for the big cave." So they all go exploring, and return to meet again on her stomach. The first ant says "Guess what I found, Cherries!" Then the second ant says "And guess what I found, a smelly river!" And the third ant says, "Guess what happened to me. I went in the deep, dark cave, and a big, brown bear chased me out!"



While her husband, a traveling salesman, is on a sales trip, a woman invites her boyfriend over. They're just getting started, when the husband comes home. "Quick, hide in the bathroom closet!" the wife says to her boyfriend, and he does, for three whole days! While he's hiding, The wife has her period, and throws her old tampons in the wastebasket in the closet. Well, the husband finally has to go out on another sales trip, so the boyfriend comes out, and the wife asks him, "I'm amazed you're alive after three days without food, I'll go down and make you something." "Thanks," he said, "those jelly rolls you were feeding me just weren't enough."



A man is sitting at home one evening reading when he gets a phone call. A woman on the other end says, "Can you come over to my house tonight?" "No, not really." he says back. "Surprise!" she says. He can't refuse now. She tells him how to get there, and he goes. He goes up to the front door and rings the bell. She answers the door, and invites him into the living room. "Do you want to go up stairs with me?" she says. He replies "No not really." "Surprise!" He can't refuse, again. So they go upstairs, and she says, "Do you want to take a shower with me?" "No not really." "Surprise!" "Well, OK." So they're in the shower, and she says, "What's that?" pointing downward. "It's my optical." he says. "Oh." so they get out of the shower, and she says, "Do you want to go to bed with me?" "No not really" "Surprise." "Well OK." They wake up the next morning, and she asks him, "What's that again?" "That's my optical." Surprised, she says, "Oh! I thought you popsicle. I was sucking on it all night!"



A young boy is learning to fish with his grandfather, when he pulls out a six-pack of beer and starts drinking it. "Can I have one?" asks the boy. "Can your dick reach your ass?" asks the grandfather. Surprised, the boy answers, "No." "Then you can't have one." Later, the grandfather pulls out a pack of cigarettes and starts smoking. "Can I have one?" the boy asks. "Your dick can't reach your ass can it?" asks the grandfather. "No" the boys replies. "Then you can't have one." A while later, the boy pulls out a pack of gum. "Can I have a piece?" asks the grandfather. "Can your dick reach your ass?" asks the boy. "Yeah." "Then go fuck yourself!"



After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained, "Sorry, I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"



A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over, onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road," asks the cop "Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde!



A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. "They all tell me that my penis is too long."
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it." The man uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog to marry you. Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be ten inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO". The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "NO..........NO..........and for the last time..........NO!"



Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.



If you think life is bad...How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all...The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad!




A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.."
"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"Listen, you see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell.. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs.."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs.Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints....twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"



A couple was golfing one day on an exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband said "Now be careful, honey, and don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune!"
The wife tee'd up, and shanked it through a window on the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, and said "DAMN! I told you to be careful! Well, let's go apologize, and see about fixing it." They knocked on the door, and heard "Come in!" They opened the door and saw broken glass all over the place, and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man was standing in the middle of the room, smiling. He asked "Are you the people who broke the window with your golf ball?" The husband sheepishly replied "Uh, yeah, sorry about that." The man replies "No! Thank you! I'm a genie who's been trapped in that bottle for 284 years! Now that you've released me for good, I'm finally free! I have the power to grant three wishes, but since you didn't release me on purpose, I will divide the wishes evenly between the three of us. What would you like?" He motions to the husband. "Wow! Hmmmm. A million dollars a year for life ought to keep me plenty busy." "Done." says the genie. "And you, ma'am?" "Well," she says, slowly thinking aloud, "Since he's got the money taken care of, I'd like a nice home on every continent of the world." "Done." says the genie. "And for my wish: I've been without a female companion for so long, I wish to indulge with your wife, sir."
The couple looks at each other, stunned. The husband finally speaks. "Well, we did get all that money and those houses. I guess one time won't hurt." The genie takes the wife upstairs and ravages her for two hours. When it's all over, the genie asks the wife "How old is your husband?" "Thirty-five. Why do you ask?" "No kidding!! And he still believes in genies?"



An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. The Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"



Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O."



A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend." said the officer.



Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "O.K." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."



In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $2,000. A male brain costs $5,000." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?" The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."



Judi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Judi -- the Blonde."
Judi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.(DUH!)
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Judi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"



A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story:
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away.""Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and
one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"



Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."



A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands."Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands."That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands."That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said "goats."



Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multiline dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. "How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new mercedes, and a stock portfolio."



Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."



A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked out his flashlight and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled out the stereo so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around, frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed,then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses," the burgular laughed! " What kind of people would name a stupid parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the kind of people that would name a Rottweiler JESUS."



One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room. The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before. They had played a game called "Who's Who," in which each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women had tried to guess their identity.
"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."
"You should have been," the housewife informed him. "Your name came up three times."



One night Jerry brought home a dozen roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she commented. "What's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you," he said simply.
"Not tonight dear. I have a headache."
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love.
"I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home an elegant gift, but each time his wife's answer was no.
Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are six pallbearers for your dead pussy."



A housewife took a lover during the day while her husband is at work. While this takes place she locks her 9 year old son in the bedroom closet.One day her husband comes home while the lover is there so she locks her lover in the same closet with the boy. They stand in the gloom for awhile, then the boy says,
"Dark in here."
"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball."
"That"s nice."
"Wanna buy it?"
"No."
"My dad's out there."
"OK, I'll buy it. How much?"
"$25.00."
"Gee. OK, I'll buy it."
A week later the man is over again. The boy is locked in the closet again. The father comes home again. The man is locked in in the closet with the boy again. They stand in the gloom until the boy says:
"Dark in Here."
"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball glove"
"That's nice.
"Wanna buy it?"
Remembering the previous week, the man says, "Sure, how much?"
"$75.00."
"Fine."
The following weekend the father says to the boy, "Son, go get your ball and glove and let's play some catch."
"I can't dad. I sold them."
"Really? For how much?"
"$100.00."
"Son you shouldn't rip your friends off like that. We didn't pay anywhere near that for those items. I'm taking you to the Priest and I want you to confess to him." They go to the church to the confessional. The boy goes in and sits down. The little door opens so the Priest can hear his confession.
"What is your sin, my son?"
"Dark in here."
"Don't start that shit again."



Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." So he did! The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!" The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!" And he did!
So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared. But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend.
A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Then they got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed. They asked the brick pig, "Who the heck were those guys?" And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."



Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff!" T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a square, circle and triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But, the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He then divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without
spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.
The three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a crap on the paper, had sex with the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They ALL agreed, that dog was bloody brilliant!!!



A woman desperately looking for work goes to apply for a job. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets but he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explain she duties and tells her to starts at 8 AM the following day.
The next day at 8:45 there is a knock on the Personnel Mgr.'s door. The foreman comes in and starts ranting about the woman he had hired. Finally, the Personnel Mgr. asks the foreman to show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough, Elmos are backed up and lying all over the floor. Right at the end of line is the woman. She has pulled over a roll of fabric used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles.They both watch as she cuts a little piece of material, takes two marbles and sews them between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager begins laughing hysterically. He pulls himself together finally and walks over to the woman and says: "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two TEST TICKLES."



Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."



A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."



Two guys sitting in a bar are having a great time talking about old times when one finally asks the other, "What is your favorite way to have sex?" His friend answered with no hesitation, "Rodeo Style. The only problem with The Rodeo is that you very seldom get to do it more than once with the same girl. His curiosity now peaked, the first guy asks, "What is The Rodeo?" "Well, its real simple. You ask your wife or girlfriend to get on the bed, on all fours, and you enter her from behind. Then, very gently, you slide your forearm around the small of her waist. Bending over her back, you whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes it this way too!' Then you try to hang on for eight seconds."



An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?" The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun." "Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a spit bath again ...... SPLBLBLBT!
This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts. "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.
"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBT."

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