Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape...

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Constipated people don't give a shit!

If it has tits or wheels; it's gonna give you problems.

(seen on the back of a biker's vest) If you can read this, my wife fell off...

Practice safe sex; Go fuck yourself.

If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde")

Hey you! Get out of the gene pool!

Unless you're a hemorrhoid, GET OFF MY ASS!

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?! !!! (men saying this are known to die a violent death.)

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a jeep)

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point!

If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better!

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass...

Forget the bull .. Ride the Cowboy.

"Diplomacy" is saying "nice doggy" until you can find a big rock.

Never raise your hands to your kids...it leaves your groin unprotected.

Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

(Reported to be seen on a restaurant)
GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge

If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hutt??

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart??

Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Ax me about Ebonics

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

CAT: The other white meat

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!

Don't be sexist - broads hate that

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull

What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
Hair balls.

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Come in five flavors

What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Crust

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
If your girlfriend chews before swallowing OMG!OMG!OMG!

What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey

What is the ultimate rejection?
When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Both can smell it but can't eat it

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A blow job with handle bars

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A mobile sperm bank.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
All you can eat for under a buck.

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat IT - we're closed.

Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
To find a tight seal.

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

What's the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What's another name for pickled bread?
Dill-dough

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower coming.

Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
She's withholding evidence

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Why do men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear zippers a mile away.

What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time!

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop and ask for directions.

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have a penis to keep it in.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They are usually meant for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Why do men masturbate?
Because it's sex with someone they love.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at parties.

Why did God create man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Why is pee yellow and sperm white?
So he can tell if he's coming or going.

How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Don't know, it hasn't happened yet.

Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 floppy.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brain?
A widower.

What do you do if you look out into the backyard and find your husband stumbling and staggering about?
Load another clip.

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"

How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her joke on Wednesday.

What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
An airbag.

How many women does it take to paint a wall?...
It depends on how hard you throw them.

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies "GREAT trade!"

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?...
The dog, of course . . . at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?...
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
...Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering

Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
So they can stand closer to the sink

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?
You make the chain shorter.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that just...won't...do...what...she's...told!

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen???

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Husband: Put your coat on love, I'm going to the bar.
Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink?
Husband: Don't be silly woman, I'm turning the heat off...

Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A widow.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life Sentence!!

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.